


Obito's Part-Time Job

by hypereuni



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Babysitting, Everyone Is Alive, Everyone Is In Denial, M/M, Naruto Secret Santa 2018, Some Humor, naruto makes the rules in the house, rin just wants a good night's sleep
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2019-09-27 04:43:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17155532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hypereuni/pseuds/hypereuni
Summary: Obito accepts a babysitting mission. AU.Written for the Naruto Secret Santa Exchange 2018 for meythecat.My take on the following prompts: Team Minato is alive AU/Kakashi and Rin defect from the village after Orochimaru is named hokage. Obito sees them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Meynara](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meynara/gifts).



Part of the struggle of being self-employed, Obito realized after a few months of working full-time in a vigilante justice group, was figuring out how to occupy himself when things were stagnant. Thanks to their notoriety from the War, the Akatsuki had enjoyed a steady trickle of missions at first, which was nice even if they did pay for that fame dearly with the lives of more than half of their original members. It had been three years since then, however, and soon Obito found himself lounging around the base with too much time on his hands and nothing to do. 

At first, he’d while away the long hours by cleaning his room and doing his laundry. When those chores got done, however, and there were still no more requests for them to off a wealthy relative or domineering mother-in-law, Obito found that he had nothing much else to do. On the bright side, he had more time to come up with more ways to kill his traitorous, friend-killing ex-teammate, but even that grew old very quickly, much to his disappointment. There were only so many ways to serve revenge if his own subconscious had already made the decision for him. After he realized that he’d scribbled “death by Chidori” for the fifteenth time, he took up watching soap operas with Kisame instead, both of them munching on snacks in their boxer shorts, scattering crumbs all over the sagging sofa. 

It was around the time Obito finished reorganizing his bookshelf (alphabetically, this time beginning at the third letter of each title) that Nagato began distributing C and D ranked missions to the members to do in their spare time. Obito suspected that Nagato took these in under another alias. People didn’t usually hire the Akatsuki to mow their lawn or fix their pipes or take care of their fourteen mangy cats. Not that the Akatsuki was in a position to quibble: money was money, and Obito had to admit that it was a good PR effort to raise support for the group from the local populace. 

 

“Konan, I’ll give you the school rebuilding project in West Ame. Kisame-san, please help Konan.”

“Understood.”

“Sure.”

“And Tobi…”

“Hello, hi!” Obito chirped. “Did someone ask for Tobi?” He smiled brightly at Pain. For once, he was actually looking forward to whatever Nagato had in store for him. He didn’t know what he’d do if he had to sit through  _another_  rerun of the third season of The Kuniochi Sisters. Incredibly, Kisame actually liked TKS. So did Juzo*, whose love for the show was only rivaled by his passion for loquats and sword-fighting. But then again, both of them were from Kiri, and Kiri nin were widely known to have no souls and terrible taste.

“You will go to the Ame-Konoha border,” Pain said, peering down at him from its pedestal. “An acquaintance has asked us to refer him a competent babysitter. I thought you would be the most capable of handling a child.”

“An acquaintance?” Obito said, surprised, momentarily forgetting to adopt his idiot persona. Since when did Nagato have friends outside of Akatsuki?

“Yes,” Pain said, tactfully ignoring both Obito’s inadvertent jab and the sniggers coming from the other members. (Konan, however, wasn’t as poised; Obito could feel her piercing glare from the other side of the room.) “I expect that you not kill anyone.” It gave him its usual blank stare. “Especially the child.”

“Tobi will never!” Obito said, slightly insulted. He might be guilty of a few dozen crimes against humanity, but he would never hurt an innocent child. 

…Not that a war between Ame and Konoha didn’t sound like a fun idea. Things around these parts were a little too quiet for his liking.

 

* * *

 

Obito rang the doorbell.

The front door cracked open. “Who’s there?” A voice asked warily.

“Hi, I’m Tobi!” Obito chirped, putting on his best customer service smile. “I’m the new babysitter. Can I come in?”

“Take off the mask, and drop the henge,” the unseen voice ordered. Young male, probably in his late teens to his early twenties. Fire Country dialect. Polished, educated accent with the slightest hint of a drawl: urbanite, most likely from Konoha. Nagato had been quite the busy bee, Obito realized with a flicker of anger. How an orphan from the slums of Ame got in touch with a Konohan elite, he could only guess. For now. He’d get more tangible answers from the man after he put the baby to sleep. 

“Of course, esteemed customer,” Obito said, rolling his eyes internally. He took off the mask and released the multiple layers of cosmetic illusion he’d woven: his red hair darkened, his eyes changed color and the warts and moles on his face disappeared. He still kept the high cheekbones and square jaw. It wouldn’t do if the person on the other side of the door recognized him. Dead men were supposed to stay dead, after all.

 

Of course, nothing ever went according to plan. 

 

“Hurry up,” the man said impatiently. “I haven’t got all day.”

“But I dropped the henge,” Obito protested, gritting his teeth. How good of a sensor was this man, anyway? 

The man scoffed. “Don’t take me for an idiot,” he said shortly. “Drop the henge, and I mean all of it.” 

“Well, you see,  there was this accident, and I have these terrible scars on my face—“

“Drop. It.”

“Alright, alright,” Obito said with faux cheer. “Take a chill pill, bro.” He released the rest of the illusion that hid the majority of the scarring on the left side of his face. He heard a slight intake of breath from the other side of the door.

“Is this some kind of sick joke?” The man asked sharply. “Who are you?”

Obito sighed. “Nope. This,” he gestured towards his face, “is 100% real. Accident in a cave, very long story. Can I do my job now?”

“Who are you?” The man repeated, tone rising.

“Tobi from Sunrise Babysitters,” Obito informed the man, resisting the urge to pinch what was left of his nose. He really wished that he could just kill the paranoid bastard and call it a day. One failed mission wasn’t that big of a deal. How much would babysitting bring in, anyway? “Now can I put the henge back up before the civilians call the authori—”

The door suddenly clicked open, and Obito found himself looking at Hatake Kakashi: former teammate, current arch-nemesis. Kakashi, for his part, stared at Obito as if he’d seen a ghost. There was a long pause before the shouting started.

 

“You’re a FATHER?!!”

“You’re ALIVE?!!”

 

Someone groaned from inside the house. “I swear, Hatake Kakashi, if you wake the baby one more time–”

Kakashi hurriedly stepped out and closed the door behind him. Obito looked at Kakashi in disbelief.

“This is a joke, right?” Kakashi asked again, sounding like a broken record. 

Obito ignored him. “A kid,” Obito muttered to himself, trying to wrap his head around everything that was happening. “Hatake Kakashi has a fucking kid.”

“Is this a–“

“For kami’s sake, will you just SHUT UP??!!” Obito snapped. “No, this is not a joke, and yes, I’m alive. So tell me, who in their right mind thought it was a good idea to make you a father?”

“I-wait, what makes you think I’m a–”

“I’ve been inside your head for the past four years,” Obito went on, cutting Kakashi off. “FOUR. YEARS. I give you this eye as a present”–he pointed to the patch covering his empty eye socket–“and what do you do with it?”

“I–”

“You use it to kill friends,” Obito went on, ignoring Kakashi’s flinch. “You use it to kill strangers, and whenever you’re not killing someone or stringing them up for someone else to kill, you use my eye to read really crappy porn. And you’re raising a kid? YOU?”

The front door swung open, and Obito hastily put his mask back on. He stiffened when he saw the next person emerge from within the house. 

Nohara Rin glared at both of them with bloodshot eyes. “Don’t have your stupid couple fights right outside the front door,” she snapped. “Naruto and I are trying to SLEEP here.”

Kakashi sputtered. Obito, however, just stared blankly at Rin, who was cradling a bundle of blankets. 

“You’re…alive,” Obito mumbled. “You’re–no, you can’t be. I-I saw you die. He killed you, didn’t he?”

“I can explain,” Kakashi said desperately, but Obito just looked at Rin and the bundle in Rin’s arms and blanched. 

“You married RIN, Bakashi??!! No. Nooooo. Please tell me that this isn’t true.”

“We’re just roommates, idiot,” Kakashi muttered. 

“Where’s the babysitter Jiraiya recommended? They were supposed to be here ages ago.” Rin muttered tiredly. She looked at Obito with a hopeful expression. “Are you the babysitter?”

Obito slowly took off the mask. “It’s me, Rin,” he said. “Obito. Uchiha Obito.” 

There was an awkward moment of silence.

“…Is this a joke?” Rin asked flatly. “Because it’s in very poor taste.”

“It’s not,” Obito reassured her. “Please, Rin. Don’t you recognize me?” 

Rin looked at him, and then at Kakashi. Then she looked at him again before understanding dawned on her face. “Oh. Ohhhh.” She turned to Kakashi and socked him on the arm. “You sick, twisted bastard.”

Kakashi yelped and clutched his arm. “What was that for?”

“Congratulations on getting over your denial, Kakashi,” Rin said with a note of exasperation in her voice. “But this really isn’t healthy. You should really go see a therapist for this.”

“But Rin, this…this is really Obito,” Kakashi protested weakly. 

Rin rolled her eyes. “Whatever,” she said. “Look, Kakashi. You’re free to date whomever you’d like but this whole Obito-lookalike thing really has to stop.” She gave Obito another once-over. “At least this one really looks like an Uchiha. The last one just had the spiky hair without the good looks.” She squinted at Obito. “Or is it a henge?”

“What? No.” Obito said, confused. “It’s really me, Rin. I’m Obito. Wait, hold on. Did you just call me good-looking?”

“Sounds exactly like him, too.” Rin yawned. “Doesn’t he?” She said to the squirming bundle in her arms. The bundle giggled. “What do you think, Naruto? Yes or no?” The baby blinked up at Obito with oddly familiar blue eyes. It studied him for a moment, then burst into a gummy smile.

“Are you sure?” Rin asked Naruto seriously. Naruto cooed and wriggled in his blankets. “Okay, then. You’re lucky that Naruto likes this one. He’s a keeper.” She stifled another yawn. “If the babysitter shows up, tell them that they can sleep on the couch. It was nice meeting your new boyfriend, Kakashi.”

Obito and Kakashi paled.

“I’m not—“

“He’s not—“

The front door slammed shut.

 

“You,” Obito said slowly, turning to Kakashi. “Have a lot of explaining to do.”

 

* * *

*Juzo only appears in the anime, I think. 


	2. Chapter 2

Kakashi sighed. “It’s getting late,” he said. “Let’s talk it over in the morning.”

“No,” Obito hissed. He glared at Kakashi. “I need answers. Now.”

“For goodness’ sake, would you two SHUT UP?” Rin yelled from somewhere inside the house. Kakashi flinched.

“Look, you don’t want to get on Rin’s bad side,” he said. “I’ll explain everything tomorrow. Trust me.”

Obito scoffed. “Fat chance I will.” 

The front door creaked open, and Rin popped her head out, eyes half-lidded. “Look,” she said. “I support you two, I really do. But would you PLEASE just call it a day and talk tomorrow?”

Kakashi jumped on Rin’s suggestion like a drowning man clutching onto a lifeboat. “Yes, why don’t we?” He asked. 

Obito remained where he was. “No,” he said stubbornly. Rin rolled her eyes, then marched over to Obito and Kakashi and yanked on both of their arms. 

“Well, too bad,” she said, and against Obito’s protests, she herded him inside. 

* * *

“Now sleep,” Rin growled, unceremoniously shoving the two of them into a small bedroom. “Remember, I don’t want to hear anything, and I mean, anything. There is a child in this house. Control yourselves.” She glared at the two of them. “No fighting,” she said, ticking each item off her fingers. “No screaming, and for the love of kami, please, no fucking.”

Obito’s mouth fell open. Kakashi blanched, eyes quickly darting to Obito. 

“Rin, I told you,” Kakashi started, “He’s…we’re not—”

“Your bed squeaks, and the walls, Kakashi dear, are very, very thin,” Rin said. “Yes, we can hear you and yes, that soundproofing jutsu still needs some work. Normally I’d ignore it, but I really need to rest today. Naruto wasn’t being his best, and the other one decided to act up.” She looked exhausted. There were dark shadows under her eyes, and her skin looked sallow in the candlelight. 

Kakashi opened his mouth to say something else, but upon closer reflection, closed his mouth and pressed his lips together unhappily. Obito, though, was fixated on something else. 

“Other one?” He repeated. “You have ANOTHER kid?”

Rin shrugged. “You can say that,” she said vaguely. “Anyway, the spare futon is in the closet. “Bathroom’s to your left, and the spare toothbrushes are in the medicine cabinet. See you two lovebirds in the morning.”

“…I’ll be in the living room,” Kakashi muttered when Rin left the room. “You can sleep in here for now.” He hesitated before hanging his head and muttering something quietly under his breath.

“What?” Obito asked. “Speak up, Bakashi. I didn’t hear you.” 

Kakashi reluctantly looked up.

“The sheets,” Kakashi said quietly. “I-I washed them this morning, so you…you don’t have to worry.” Without waiting for Obito’s response, Kakashi promptly flickered out of sight. 

Obito flopped on the bed with its dinky blue sheets that had miniature dog bones on them and stared up at the ceiling. 

This was ridiculous. Un-fucking-believable.

And it wasn’t a genjutsu. 

He’d checked, several times, and the results had come up negative. He knew what Kakashi and Rin’s chakra signatures felt like, and even now, years later, they felt the mostly the same: ice-cold and sharp, like the winter wind, and quiet and still, like the calm before a storm. The initial look of surprise on Kakashi’s masked face seemed genuine enough, and at the very least, Obito could guarantee that the eye in Kakashi’s socket was his own. 

Was Nagato behind this? He wondered, then immediately dismissed the question. Nobody knew Uchiha Obito when he was alive, and nobody mourned him when he was dead. Even if the brainless puppet had the right connections in Konoha, nobody, much less Nagato, would think to link Akatsuki’s Tobi to a dead person.

But if this was a trap, then what was the point? 

Obito, feeling the onset of a raging headache, closed his eyes.

Nothing made any sense. Rin was alive, Kakashi was…different, if Obito had really heard things right, and somewhere along the way they’d adopted a baby in the middle of a war. Babies, judging from what Rin implied. Kakashi certainly wasn’t the father, and Rin probably wasn’t the mother. At least, Obito hoped so.  Rin had grown up in the orphanage when she was younger, so all likelihood, she had taken them from there.  There were plenty of people with brightly colored hair and eyes in Ame and Konoha, like Konan and that twat and Kushina-san and Min—

Obito bolted upright. 

Minato?

…No, that couldn’t be possible, he thought, settling back down. His spies would have told him if Kushina-san was pregnant, and Minato wouldn’t have had the balls to chase after someone other than Kushina. Besides, sensei and Kushina-san weren’t here anymore. 

They had been dead for months. 

Obito shook his head to clear his thoughts. Anyway, the parentage of the children wasn’t important. What was most important was the fact that Rin was alive and well, and that was all that mattered.

“Rin’s alive,” he murmured aloud. “Alive.”

* * *

Obito awoke to the sound of a baby squalling in terror.

_Oh shit shit_ ** _SHIT_** , he thought, and slapping on his mask, he shunshin’ed to the room where the noise was coming from, kunai at the ready.

“RIN!” Obito cried, adrenaline coursing through his veins. “RIN, ARE YOU—”

Kakashi turned around. “You’re up?” He asked mildly. Obito deflated.

“…Oh. It’s just you.”

“Yep,” Kakashi agreed. “It’s just me.” He turned back to the changing table. The baby Obito had met last night was lying on the table, wearing a neon orange shirt and a diaper. He blinked big, bright blue eyes at Obito and gurgled happily, waving his fists in the air. 

“Maahh!” The baby shrieked again (enthusiastically, Obito realized). “MAAHHHH!”

“…I thought something might have happened,” Obito said lamely. He looked around. “Where’s Rin?”

“She left,” Kakashi said, bending down to yank off the baby’s equally gaudy neon socks. The baby shrieked happily, nearly kicking Kakashi in the face. “Naruto. Stay still.”

“…Do you even know how to take care of a baby, Bakashi?” Obito asked skeptically, as he watched Kakashi struggle with Naruto’s diaper. “You’re supposed to hold him by the ankles, genius.”

No wonder Rin looked like death. Kakashi was terrible at this.

“Shut up,” Kakashi grumbled, narrowly avoiding a pudgy, flailing arm. “I don’t want to hear that from an idiot who couldn’t even take care of a mangy old cat.”

“Tora doesn’t count,” Obito pointed out. “He’s a monster wearing the skin of a cat. Those are two, very different things, and besides, Tora didn’t like you either.” He squinted at Kakashi. “You haven’t done this much, have you?”

“No, not really,” Kakashi admitted. He hesitated before lifting the used diaper and gingerly moving it to the trash.

Luckily, Naruto saved them the trouble of making more small talk by repeatedly wriggling out of his new diaper, all the while making distressful pterodactyl sounds. 

“You’re going to give him diaper rash,” Obito said disapprovingly. He elbowed Kakashi out of the way. “Move, Bakashi.” 

Naruto, eyes tearful and red, wailed unceasingly. Obito ignored him and hoisted him by the ankles. He wiped Naruto’s buttom with a baby wipe before powdering and packaging him like an overstuffed present. 

“You’re good at this,” Kakashi commented. Obito rolled his eyes. 

“I was hired to be a babysitter. Of course I would know how to change a goddamn diaper,” he snapped.

“I meant it in a good way, idiot,” Kakashi said. “You were always good with younger kids. Not like me.” Obito snorted.

“You could have, if you gotten rid of that stick up in your ass a long time ago,” Obito retorted. “But nooo. You were too busy being perfect, upholding the shinobi code and kissing up to sensei and being a shitty…” He trailed off, realizing how petty he sounded once the words left his mouth, but there was no going back.

“A shitty teammate,” Kakashi finished for him. “A shitty friend. A shitty leader. I know.”

“Uh. Yeah.” 

“…I’m sorry.”

“What?” Obito asked. Maybe his ear, the one that was repaired by Guruguru and the old man, really was failing. It would explain all the weird things he’d been hearing recently. 

“I’m sorry,” Kakashi said, louder, looking into Obito’s eyes. Desperation, Obito read in Kakashi’s eye. Regret. Guilt, so much of it, swallowing his soul. And to his surprise, Kakashi, that proud, proud boy who had treated him like air, suddenly sank to his knees. 

“Please,” Kakashi begged, bowing his head. “Forgive me.”

This had once been the stuff of dreams, Obito thought as he looked down at the shock of grey hair. Hatake Kakashi, finally prostrating himself in front of him, begging forgiveness, seeking penance. This moment was supposed to fill him up with exuberance, triumph that at last, Bakashi was acknowledging him as his equal, nay, as a superior. That the tale of the underdog wasn’t a myth, that anyone could achieve their dreams. 

He didn’t understand why he felt so empty. 

The window opened. Rin clambered inside, carefully resetting the traps once she shut the window. She looked surprised to see Obito and Kakashi, still kneeling in front of Obito, head slightly bent. Kakashi hastily rose when he saw Rin.

“…Hello, boyfriend #5,” Rin said, breaking the uncomfortable silence. “You’re still here?”

Obito sighed, too tired to deal with the situation again. “I’m from Sunrise Babysitters,” he said. “You can call me Tobi."

Rin scrutinized him for a long moment, before ignoring him and turning to Kakashi. She slung a small cloth bag at Kakashi, who caught it effortlessly with one hand. It clinked gently, heavy with coin.

“Not bad,” Kakashi said, testing its weight with his palm. Rin threw him a cloth scroll.

“Next mission’s yours,” she said shortly. “I’ll be in my room.” She patted Naruto’s fluffy head, earning a giggle and some baby bubbles, before leaving. “Oh, and Tobi?”

Obito raised his head. 

“You have one job to do. Don’t get distracted,” Rin said pointedly. She looked at Naruto, who, miraculously, was again, bottomless. 

Naruto squawked with glee.

“MAAAHHH!!!”

* * *

**AN:**   **Working on part 3 right now. I have an exam tomorrow, so I may not be able to post it by tonight.**


	3. Chapter 3

Naruto, Obito soon discovered, was a royal pain in the ass.

“Naruto,” Obito said sternly. 

“Mah?” The baby blinked up at him with big, uncomprehending eyes, tiny fist firmly wedged in his mouth. If he was a lesser man, Obito would have caved in from the utter cuteness of it all, but he was Uchiha Obito, former babysitter to some of the worst demon children in the Uchiha clan compound, which included Uchiha Shisui, devil incarnate. Obito had been reforged into more durable stuff, and he knew that if he didn’t lay down the law now, he would never have a second chance to enforce it in the near future. 

“You can’t eat that, brat,” Obito told him. “Take your hand out of your mouth.”

“Mah?” Naruto queried through a mouthful of dirt and fingers. “Mah’ ah’ hama.”

“Handsies out, remember?” Obito sighed, pulling Naruto’s fist out of his mouth. He wiped off the baby drool and dirt with a towel. “Seriously, you’re not even supposed to crawl yet. I swear I put you over by the kotatsu. How did you end up near the flowerpot in the first place?”

Naruto giggled. “MAH!” He crowed delightedly.

“Have you seen him crawling?” Obito asked Kakashi, who had just ambled into the living room. “I think he’s been moving around.” 

Kakashi shrugged.  “Nope,” he said. “But he is sensei’s kid, after all. I started crawling pretty early too. Is there any more barley tea left?”

“Of course you did,” Obito muttered under his breath. Most children started crawling six months after birth; Kakashi had probably crawled right out of his mother’s womb all by himself, just like the genius he was. “Wait. Repeat what you just said.”

Kakashi looked confused. “‘Is there any barley tea left?’”

“No, before that. And it’s on the lower shelf, on the door of the fridge.”

“Thanks,” Kakashi said, before flickering away, promptly reappearing with a chilled glass of tea and a plastic straw. “‘I started crawling early?’”

“Before that.”

“Oh. ‘Naruto is sensei’s kid?’”

Obito looked at Kakashi. “Sensei’s kid,” he repeated. 

“Yeah,” Kakashi replied, jamming the straw under his mask. He slurped loudly. 

Obito looked dubiously at Naruto, who was now squirming around like a fat, white grub, trying to raise his foot up to his mouth, and then at Naruto’s mop of brown hair. “Are you sure he’s not some random kid from the orphanage that Rin knew?” He asked, just to be doubly sure.

“There’s a henge on him for obvious reasons, idiot,” Kakashi said. “Trust me, he looks like a carbon copy of Minato-sensei under the freckles and the brown hair.” They both watched Naruto happily gum on his big toe. “You can blame Kushina-san for everything else, though.”

“ _Naruto_ ,” Obito growled. Naruto reluctantly pulled his fingers out of his mouth and looked up at Obito with his large, round eyes, mouth half-open. Obito turned back to face Kakashi.  “I didn’t know that Kushina-san was pregnant,” he said, carefully modulating his tone so that none of his anger leaked out. Internally, though, he was livid. 

He had kept meticulous tabs on the woman and tailed her on multiple occasions, including the night before she had inexplicably disappeared. She had never shown any sign of pregnancy, at least not to her knowledge.  Then she had vanished, and the very next day, the Council announced their discovery of a nefarious plot to overthrow the Third Hokage. Death to all insurgents, they proclaimed, beginning with the two that had instigated the coup d’etat: none other than the Nine-Tails Jinchuriki and her close friend, the Yellow Flash.  If only he had paid a little more attention, he could have extracted the Nine-Tails out from its host while she was giving birth.

What a pity.

“It was a state secret, for obvious reasons,” Kakashi replied, giving Obito his usual are-you-really-this-much-of-an-idiot look. “Rin played as Kushina-san’s body double during her pregnancy to lead off any spies.”

…Huh. Obito had no idea that Rin was that good in mimicking chakra signs. It must have taken a toll on her body if she had to keep that up for months.  No wonder she looked so tired.

Kakashi fiddled with the cup in his hands. “Rin barely managed to get Naruto out before Root agents infiltrated the safe house,” he said quietly. “Sensei and Kushina-san didn’t make it out in time. Then the Purge happened, and…well.”

Obito hadn’t been in Konoha when the Great Purge began, but he had seen the enormous plume of fire bloom across the horizon, while playing koi koi with Kisame. Kisame had raised his head to sniff the air.

“Smells like destruction,” Kisame had said, baring his filed teeth. “The tide’s a-changing.” 

He was right. 

The Great Purge began with the elimination of Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina and ended after three brutal days of torture, interrogation, slaughter, and political upheaval. It did not surprise anyone in the slightest that the ones who had also been implicated in the coup were from powerful, venerated clans. On the new Hokage’s orders, the severed heads of the most outspoken rebels were impaled on the spikes that adorned the gate to Konoha; their rotting faces were the first things newcomers noticed when they arrived. As the major clans dwindled in size and political clout, the smaller, less established clans began to jockey for power. The underdogs had finally triumphed, the people thought, and it was mostly due to this sentiment that seated Orochimaru in the Hokage’s seat. Despite his many flaws, Orochimaru was, at the very least, a skillful politician. He knew how to present himself to the general public. He was an orphan, who had risen to the very heights of power through sheer willpower and determination, the old women in the markets clucked admiringly. A self-made man. But above all, one who understood the plight of the common folk, not like the clan shinobi who fancied themselves above the rabble. He knew their struggles, how hard it was for them to survive in this wretched world with nothing to rely on but themselves.

Most importantly, however, Orochimaru knew how to manage the people, both civilian and Clan alike, and that was through fear. 

People began to disappear at odd times throughout the day without any sort of explanation. One of the first people to vanish was the owner of the little ramen stand in front of the Hokage morning. Stores began to shutter their doors for extended periods of time. The unexplained phenomenon wasn’t limited to the merchants and the shopkeepers. People with clan affiliations were also affected: according to the latest reports from a little bird in the village, the Hyuuga were still frantically searching for two of their own (which was odd, since both were Branch family members, but Obito had his theories). Even the Sandaime was nowhere to be seen, these days. The official word was that he was bedridden, grieving over the recent loss of his wife, but many had their suspicions. 

The daytime disappearances were few and far in between, however. It was mostly at night that people were Taken, and the very few that managed to elude their captors were never quite the same afterwards. Mothers began to warn their children about the Faceless ones, the shadows that lurked amongst them, waiting, watching, listening. “Beware,” they whispered, glancing uneasily at the windows and thin, papered doors. “Beware.”

But the individual spiriting away paled in comparison to what happened to the Uchiha, because mere days after Minato and Kushina’s deaths, the entire clan, from the mewling newborns to the sickly elderly, unable to move from their futons, vanished without a trace. 

It was unclear what happened to the Uchiha; the government, for its part, remained silent. But soon after, the abandoned clan compound was quickly reclaimed by the new regime, and within weeks, the old buildings were razed down to make room for two shopping malls, a few dozen tea shops, and a new movie theater. It was only a matter of time before the masses forgot about what used to exist before the Konoha Theater and the arcade machines, before the cloying smell of artificial movie popcorn butter clung to the buildings and the cobblestoned streets. The fact that the Uchiha were never very well-liked certainly helped.

Orochimaru knew how to ply the carrot and the stick well. 

“I’m sorry,” Kakashi said, out of the blue.

“What for?” Obito asked, resurfacing from his thoughts. He probably didn’t hide his anger as well as he’d hoped. Kakashi was always a perceptive bastard. 

...Not that he didn't like the sound of Kakashi apologizing to him. It was quite nice, actually. Where was his tape recorder when he needed it the most?

“About your family,” Kakashi clarified. He paused. “I was angry at you before, for not coming back, but it was probably for the best.”

Oh.

Kakashi shifted uneasily. "If it makes you feel better--"

“It’s fine,” Obito said, waving a hand dismissively. “Good riddance to the lot of them, anyway.” He had thought about pruning his family tree to make the current world a better place to live in before he set his plan in motion. His clan exemplified everything that was wrong with society. What this world needed was less hubris, less greed, both of which the Uchiha clan as a whole had a surplus of. Orochimaru, though, had taken care of the problem while Obito was cleaning kitty litter in Ame.  He supposed he should thank the snake bastard for doing his work for him. Orochimaru was partly the reason why Obito had so much free time on his hands.

He glanced at Kakashi. Kakashi had been remarkably straightforward with his explanations up until now.  It wouldn’t hurt to probe a little more, would it?

“So, uh. About Naruto."

Kakashi blinked a lazy eye at him. " What about him?" 

“ _Kakashi_ ,” Rin’s voice called out anxiously before Obito could say another word. She appeared behind Kakashi, looking tired and wan. The dark circles under her eyes were still there. She never seemed to be getting enough sleep. "Kakashi, I can't find Naruto, where is he--"

She stiffened when she met Obito's gaze. 

"Hi, Rin!" Obito said brightly. He hadn't seen her ever since she had holed up her room to mediate a few days ago. "I bet you're hungry. Do you want me to make you something?"

Rin, however, just sized him up with blank, distrustful eyes. She seemed twitchy, all jittery nerves and hyperaware of her surroundings.

"Who are you?" She asked warily. "What are you doing here?"

Surprised, Obito opened his mouth, but Kakashi beat him to it. 

"He's a friend, Rin," Kakashi said. "Just a friend. Naruto will be okay." He looked at Rin. "Everything is fine, Rin," he repeated.

Rin seemed unconvinced. "You don't have friends, Kakashi," she said, sounding bemused. "What kind of friend is he?" 

Kakashi hesitated, and then sighed. "He's my boyfriend."

Obito bristled.  "EXCUSE ME?"

Kakashi ignored him. "You called him Boyfriend #5 last time," he reminded Rin. "Naruto liked him a lot, don't you remember?"

Rin blinked. "Boyfriend #5?" 

"That's right," Kakashi soothed. "Tobi, from the babysitting company." He looked at her meaningfully. "You know. The one from Ame." 

At this, some of the confusion on Rin's face cleared up. "Oh," she said. " _That_ one."

"Hey!" Obito protested. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Rin hesitated, before darting forward and scooping Naruto up.  It was only when Naruto, gurgling with delight, encircled his chubby arms around her neck that she visibly relaxed in Kakashi and Obito's presence. "I'll watch Naruto for a little bit," she said. She gave Obito another distrustful glance before leaving.

 

"Bakashi, what was that about?" Obito hissed, once he made sure Rin wasn't in the vicinity. Kakashi removed the straw from underneath his mask and stuck it into the empty glass. It clinked gently against the ice cubes.

"Rin's had a rough time adjusting," Kakashi said quietly. "She'll be back to normal in a day or two, but it's best not to bring up things related to the village. She gets a little...upset." He cleared his throat. "Anyway, you're still an idiot for thinking that we'd risk our lives for a random baby. Dumbass."

 Obito frowned, unwilling to drop the topic. "Well," he said, "you wouldn't. Rin would. She's always been kind like that."

Or at least, the Rin in his memories would. The Rin of the present, however, seemed a little different.

“For _Naruto_ , she would,” Kakashi corrected Obito. “I wouldn’t know about anyone else. You'd be surprised to see how much she's changed."

“You're wrong, Bakashi,” Obito snapped on reflex. He pushed away his doubts deep within his mind. “Rin will always be Rin, and that won’t ever change.” He scowled at Kakashi.

“People change, Obito," was all Kakashi said. "For better or worse.” He rose up from his seat. 

"Wait, Bakashi!"

Kakashi turned around. 

Obito coughed. "So... you didn't really date four other guys who looked like me, did you? It's not like you had a crush on me or anything like Rin said, right?" He looked hopefully at Kakashi. Kakashi stared levelly back at him.

"...Why do you ask?"

"No reason."

"Then yes," Kakashi said after a pause. "I did."

"Yes, you didn't date four guys who looked like me, or yes, you didn't date four guys period?"

"No."

"Goddamnit, Kakashi, you have two choices. WHICH ONE IS IT THAT YOU'RE SAYING YES TO?" Obito roared. 

Kakashi blinked. "Why, does it matter?" He asked. 

"YES, YOU'RE MAKING ME CONFUSED," Obito bellowed. "I CAN'T THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE EXCEPT FOR YOU FOR THE PAST WEEK AND IT'S STRESSING ME OUT, SO KAKASHI, JUST TAKE ME OUT OF MY MISERY. PLEASE."

Kakashi gave him a strange look. "So you're telling me," he said, slowly, "that I've been in your head for the past few days?"

"YES."

"So the only thing you've been thinking about is me."

"...Well, no..." Obito hedged.

"Really? Because to me, it almost sounds as if you're the one with the crush on--"

"SHUT UP! IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!" 

"Then it depends on which question you're talking about," Kakashi said.  "And no, I won't tell you which one. Tata, idiot."

"Wait, Bakashi! KAKASHI! YOU BASTARD, COME BACK!"


End file.
